I wish to start this post by confessing that I may have been slightly off in my previous posts concerning Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). Upon closer examination, I think that I might actually have Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD), instead of just ADD. I say this because, as I will soon explain in further detail, I not only have trouble paying attention and focusing on my current task, but also with being mentally and physically still when I need to. After doing a little bit of “research”, I’ve discovered that this tendency is often a symptom of ADHD, which makes sense to me since “hyperactivity” does indicate a sense of restlessness and impatience. Therefore I wish to apologize for not realizing this much earlier and constantly saying that I am diagnosed with ADD, not ADHD (I am unable to officially verify that I have either disorder, but I will assume that I have ADHD simply because it seems extremely likely).
With that out of the way, let’s discuss my problems with staying still and waiting placidly (probably caused by ADHD). Indeed, a lot of times I find it difficult to be calm and comfortable when I’m forced to wait for something to progress or when something is not proceeding as quickly as I’d like it to. In other words, if things aren’t moving along at a nice, ongoing pace or if I have to deal with several delays, then I can easily become slightly irritated and “on edge”. This is especially the case when I have to remain seated in a chair or keep standing for a long time, and it’s almost unbearable when I have absolutely nothing to do. On some occasions, it will cause me to complain out loud to others or put me in a grumpy mood.
In my earlier years, this issue with hyperactivity and impatience was much more troublesome, and it led to quite a few temper tantrums and arguments with my parents. I would frequently become very upset if I was told to wait and be patient in a place that was extremely boring and uninteresting for me. I can remember a couple of instances where I made a bit of a scene in public, whining and yelling to parents that we leave a store or restaurant or museum right away. Yeah, my parents put up with a great deal of annoyance and frustration on my part, and I’m immensely grateful that they hardly ever lost their temper with me. They seriously deserve a lot of credit for how patient and understanding they were with me, even when I was driving them insane and would not shut up.
Like with many other problems related to my Aspergers, the issue has gotten much better over time, but has not gone away completely. There are plenty of instances in my current life where I get incredibly anxious because I have to wait for things to move along. A perfect example to point to would be when I’m driving. As you probably expect, I like to drive as fast as the speed limit allows (which I like to think is about 8-10 miles above the limit, depending on road conditions), and I take every opportunity to do so. I am very easily annoyed, therefore, when I am forced to drive slower than I’d like due to the speed of the car in front of me. I will say to myself “Oh, COME ON!” and let out a soft groan, begrudgingly staying behind the other driver and matching their speed. I might keep hoping that the car will eventually make a turn, and sometimes I will consider passing them if I have the chance. Unfortunately, I never feel confident enough to pass a car on a one-lane road, and I will usually have no choice but to just wait until I am able to drive at my preferred speed. Yes, I know that this sort of thing can annoy just about anyone, but I get particularly annoyed by the idea of being forced to wait and spend more time driving.
Now there may be some of you who are a little confused by all of this, after I mentioned in my earlier post “All the time in the world…” that I tend to take more time to complete certain tasks than others do. It may seem logical to assume that I would be perfectly ok with things going slowly so that I am able to keep up. The thing is, actually, that my sluggish, time-consuming pace also irritates me much of the time. I am regularly frustrated by my failure to accomplish tasks in a speedy fashion and to be more productive throughout the day. It’s one of the reasons why I often have slightly low self-esteem, as I will frequently put myself down for not meeting my own desires for productivity.
Fortunately, as I mentioned earlier, I am gradually getting better at being patient and accepting the fact that things don’t always go as quickly as I’d like them to. At the very least, I don’t whine or complain as much as I did when I was a child, and I’ve learned that demanding that other people pick up the pace doesn’t resolve anything. I still have some progress to make, though, especially since I will eventually be living on my own and have to deal with situations that require a huge amount of patience. With the help of meditation, exercise, and other resources, it is my hope that I will be able to maintain good posture when it is needed the most (e.g. going to the DMV, talking to employers, getting loans from the bank, and attending special events for loved ones).